On October 1st we received an email from our adoption agency stating we had a potential match. While reviewing her file the Lord made it very clear to both my husband and I that this little girl was not our daughter. We both were at peace with the decision and still are. However, receiving that file did something to me. The shock of getting a potential match so soon in this adoption process rocked my world and wreaked havoc on my peace and my joy.
Before that email I was prepared to wait years to find our daughter. Years. However, that email presented the potential for the wait to be over so much faster and I liked that thought. I started getting comfortable with all this happening now, instead of later. That comfort then turned to obsession. By mid October I was convinced our match would happen any day and grew discontent with the waiting. Every morning I would check my email to see if we had received another potential match from our agency. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night to check. Our agency is on the other side of the planet, so it is not completely unreasonable to check my email during their workday. It was not the checking that was wrong or bad. It was what the anxiety of it all was doing to my heart, my mind, and my body that was dangerous and even sinful. Y’all I suffered from shingles and the flu in October. It was a rough month. Looking back I know my illnesses and my emotional unrest were not a coincidence, but at the time I did not make the connection. I thought I was fine.
It wasn’t until after having a conversation with my husband that a light bulb turned on and I realized the turmoil I was in. I had actually interviewed him for a future blog post and one of those questions I asked was “how do you feel during the waiting process?” His answer was so beautiful and so different from mine that I recognized right away that something needed to change in my heart.
The next morning during my quiet time with God I laid it all down at His feet. I realized that, as one of my dear friends often says, this was a “be anxious for nothing” moment. I confessed all my anxiety and worry to Him and meditated over Proverbs 4:6-7. I thanked God for being near and His faithfulness and I presented my request to Him. My request in all of this is HIS WILL BE DONE. That has always been my prayer in our adoption journey. I want His will, His plan for my life. What I realized though, and this is HUGE, is that I wanted His plan in MY TIME.
Something happened during those weeks and I forgot this key element to God’s design for my life. You can’t ask for His will to be done and not be willing to wait for His timing! His will and His timing go hand and hand, they cannot be separated. The Bible is chock-full of stories where people had to wait upon the Lord for His plan to be fulfilled. I am currently studying Genesis and Abraham is a prime example of waiting. He had to wait 24 years for his promised son. And as we see from his story, pain often comes when we try to mold God’s plan to fit our timeline. I was in pain, emotionally and spiritually.
God revealed to me that my heart was not truly desiring His will. I confessed that to Him and I am confessing it to you now. I can now proclaim after repenting of this that God has changed my heart and I am walking in peace again. On November 11th I wrote this prayer on the pages of my journal:
“After weeks of prayer and time with you God I can truly say ‘not my will Lord, but yours be done because I trust you’. I trust that you are working it out. I trust that you know the plans you have for me and for my family and that they are good (Jer. 29:11). I trust that your timing is better than mine. I surrender my agenda and my timeline to you. Have your way Lord, for you way is best.”
And now peace that passes all understanding is guarding my heart and my mind. Praise Jesus! I want to remain in this peace. So please keep me accountable in this journey. Remind me to wait upon the Lord and loosen the grip on my agenda. Waiting is just a reality in the adoption process and in life really. But I prefer this peace over the turmoil while I wait.
Are you trusting in the Lord’s timing? Or are you in turmoil like I was? I encourage you to truly ask yourself that question. If you are holding on too tightly to your own timeline I pray you will have the courage to lay it down at God’s feet and allow Him to give you peace. We can only experience true peace when we are willing to lay it all down and loosen the grip we have on our own plans and timetable.
I am praying peace over everyone who reads this. May you experience God’s peace and know how much He loves you. Because He does.
Thank you for reading and allowing me to share a portion of my heart during this adventure called adoption.