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In Over My Head

We are soon approaching the two year mark since bringing our daughter home. The days and hours leading up to our gotcha day are still so fresh in my mind. I wrote this piece a few days before we met our daughter and wanted to share it with you. I pray it encourages you to take risks and trust God a bit more than you did before.

I am in over my head. The water is deep and the shore is out of site. And if I am honest, I am afraid.

Tomorrow, I will board a plane with my husband to travel to China. There we will meet a little girl for the first time, and she will officially become a part of our family through adoption.

I am in over my head. I am vulnerable. I am excited. I am terrified. I feel unworthy but so grateful. Every thought and emotion one could have…I am experiencing them right now and have been ever since we first started this adoption process eleven months ago.

This is risky. There are so many unknowns. Literally. We do not know this little girl that we already refer to as our daughter. We do not know the extent of her brain damage, which is the diagnosis from the doctors in China. We do not know what it looks like to parent a child who comes from trauma. We do not know how to speak Chinese and our nearly two-year-old daughter does not know English. The list of unknowns seems endless.

What we do know is that she is worth it.

She is worth the risk, the unknown. Because she, just like you and I, is a child of God, made in His image. He stepped down from Heaven to redeem us. To adopt us. You and I. To ransom us and bring us into the fullness of life by His blood on the cross. His sacrifice is my gain, it’s my life. And if He can do that for us, then we can step out into the waters of the unknown for her.

I find that He often calls us to step out into the uncertain. This faith walk is not always comfortable or easy. It is often difficult and messy. But God promises that when we obey Him, He will reveal Himself to us (John 14:21). The God of the universe makes Himself known to us when we step out in faith and do what He is asking. That reward is the best gift besides salvation that God could give to us. It is knowing Him that satisfies our soul and gives this life on Earth purpose. And it is because of that promise that I can press on in this present journey He has called me to.

I am in over my head. The water is deep and the shore is out of site…but I know it is there, even if I cannot see it. I could panic and try to will myself to the unseen shore in a frantic swim. Or I could pause. Turn my gaze up and float here. Remain here. Out in the waters. Trusting that if this is where God wants me, He will not forsake me. I am choosing love over fear, and I am encouraged by His promise that He will show Himself through this obedience.
I am in over my head. And here, I will remain.

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